It’s Here! The Sure To Be Shocking, Devastating, & Damning Comey Hearings Are Here!

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The day we’ve all been waiting for is…..CORRECTION. The day the mainstream media has been telling us for weeks that we’ve all been waiting for has arrived. James, “WORLD’S GREATEST NOTE TAKER” Comey will finally testify about his interactions with President Trump, and whether or not Trump obstructed justice.

What shocking revelations will be made by the former FBI director who Trump let keep his job in January despite calls for his head?….Wait…I mean…. who Trump wrongly fired last month despite praise for his Russia investigation? My head already hurts!

Will Comey produce the SHOCKING “Comey Memos”? Will a faceless man call the Senate via Skype and read out loud from what he claims are the infamous memos? Will Comey refuse to confirm or deny the claims made by this faceless leaker. Will Comey confirm the disgust he allegedly felt when Trump allegedly hugged him in the oval office? Will anyone represent the position that Trump was merely patting Comey on the shoulder, not hugging him? Will Congress once and for all finally define what a hug is and is not? Will Comey wear a suit that matches the nearest curtains just incase he needs to make himself invisible? Will Kathy Griffen testify?

No? You’re probably right. Here’s what we will get today. Today’s hearing will be an over dramatic dog and pony show that produces absolutely no actionable evidence while at the same time making people on both sides of the argument feel even more certain of the conclusions they’ve long since drawn. This is what these hearings today are designed to do.

The Comey hearings are not designed to get answers, produce evidence, or draw definitive conclusion. 

That would bring closure to the saga. It would peacefully release the nationwide tension that is so vital to keeping us divided, keeping us at each others throats, and making us willing to blindly join any movement that opposes what we hate.

This is why today’s hearings will not encourage critical thought, logical reasoning, or respectful discussion. It will provoke increased certainty, renewed outrage, and enough hate to drive action in the form of public protests. That’s what this hearing is about. It’s about maintaining and expanding the Resistance movement. Just like a car running low on fuel has to be refilled with gas to keep moving, a protester running low on hate and outrage as to be refueled if they are to continue marching.

Today’s Comey testimony is designed to keep the tank of the Resistance Movement filled to the brim with hate and outrage. There will be no actionable evidence produce. Outrage on the other hand, there will plenty of that going around.

Here are some things to expect from the Comey Hearings.

  1. Vague and contradictory soundbites that will be cherry picked and used to satisfy the confirmation bias of the left and right.
  2. The left will claim that Comey’s testimony is damning. People will imply that Trump colluded, and they will say outright that he obstructed justice. Some will call for impeachment. Al Franken will most likely be the voice leading the calls for impeachment.
  3. Trump haters will put on their pink pussy hates, and take to Facebook to express their outrage over how obvious it is that Trump is guilty. They will be vulgar. Some will post and share Kathy Griffin’s photo with Trump’s head. She will see a surge in her popularity today.
  4. The name and date of the next Indivisible March will trend on Twitter within a week. Marches will rush their pink pussy hats to the dry cleaners in preparation.
  5. As for the right, Trump will compose a tweet that references a statement made by Comey. He will use the cherry picked statement to declare that Comey has confirmed him to be the most innocent person who has ever graced God’s green earth. Right wing media outlets, what’s left of them, will play the cherry picked sound bite Trump references, and then confirm Trump’s interpretation.
  6. Trey Gowdy will be intensely baffled and sternly sarcastic. Some people will tweet about him destroying Comey while others will tweet about how Comey brilliantly embarrassed Gowdy’s attempt at a gotcha question. The tweeps will be commenting on the exact same exchange.
  7. The alternative universes that the public lives in will shine on Twitter. Like the example above, people on the left and right will express opposite interpretations of the exact same moments. Both sides will feel certain that they’re correct. They will feel just as certain that the other side is full of idiots.
  8. Every show on CNN will express a definitive conclusion about the hearings with their onscreen text graphics. Half of the shows will use the exact same wording to express this conclusion. The others will express the same conclusion in a slightly different way.
  9. The anchor of every CNN show will lead off their show with a definitive interpretation of what happened during the hearing. They will deliver this interpretation in a matter of fact tone, implying to their audience that everyone, except stupid dumbass people, agrees uncritically with their conclusion.

Enjoy The Show



Categories: quick hits

2 replies

  1. It was almost here when I originally published, or at least when I thought I originally published this.

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